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TOEmpower

A Mind for Winners

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The Ugly Truth About an Unromantic Spouse

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If you are living with a romantically unavailable spouse, you may be wondering what you have done wrong or if someone else has stolen his or her affection for you. Either one of these assumptions could be true. However, s life coach, I have witnessed the lack of intimacy between couples for several reasons.

Nevertheless, you must get to the bottom of the situation. Passivity in a marriage crisis is a recipe for an explosive combination of anger and bitterness.

Act Now

Don’t live in denial.  Passivity in a marriage crisis is a recipe for a toxic combination of anger and bitterness. Acknowledge that the marriage is in serious trouble which must be addressed right away. Refuse to hope that the conditions will go away.

Consider If You Have Played a Part in Creating the Problem

To be effective in uncovering the issues that may be blocking the peace,  joy, and happiness of your marriage, you need to consider what role you might have played in creating the problem.  For example, have you been emotionally available for your spouse?

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One reason romance in many marriages goes south is that one or both couples stop being available for one another. The causes include:

Obsession with career

Returning home from the office late at night and going straight to bed is a recipe for marital disaster. Don’t do it!  If you allow your career to get ahead of your marriage, you may soon discover someone else is providing emotional support for your spouse instead of you.

Organize your life so that you and your spouse will be able to spend a healthy amount of time together.

Lack of attentiveness due to selfishness

A couple can live in the same house but ignore the importance of staying intimately expressive toward one another. For example, a husband may spend 90% of his time in his man cave or a wife may spend the same amount of time reading or writing poetry. Such behavior is a mistake. A spouse needs to know that he or she is loved and appreciated on a daily basis.

Determine that you will not take your spouse for granted. Make his or her needs and wants a priority. Commit to Praising, honoring and appreciating your spouse on a weekly basis. And please forgive daily. Everyone makes mistakes.  The lack of forgiveness can interfere with the expression of intimacy. The longer you wait to forgive your spouse, the affection you have for them will steadily decrease.

Complaining and Whining

Another reason for losing romance in a marriage is the habit of constantly complaining or whining about issues inside and outside the relationship. If this is the case, the marriage is in danger of worsening on a continuous basis. Feeling of romance cannot be sustained in an atmosphere of complaining and crying about everything.

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If verbal drama has been a regular activity in your marriage, you must end it and be ready to make adjustments to your conversation habits.

Emotional or Psychological Trauma

The lack of romance in a relationship doesn’t have to be a result of infidelity or an obsession with a career. Many spouses may go into a deep depression due to several reasons, such as loss of a family member, including a mother or father, difficulties with a job or career, or temporary loss of purpose and meaning in life.

You may discover that your spouse needs spiritual or psychological counseling before he or she can feel competent enough to manage and support the marriage again.

Nevertheless, the next thing that has the happen is the most important one: Addressing the issue face to face.

To allow a toxic marriage situation to continue without confronting the situation can only spell doom and gloom for the relationship. The lack of intimacy will grow more severe. An unromantic partner will become comfortable in his or her role until the absence of intimacy becomes a habitual norm. As a result, the joy and bliss of romance will be hard to recover.

Warning: you must adopt a sense of urgency and address the problem right away.

Prepare yourself emotionally. What you hear from your spouse might hurt your feelings, but if you are ready for the worst, then you will be able to handle the truth of the situation.

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Avoid yelling and screaming. Such reaction is not an intelligent way to handle a marriage issue. Emotional upheaval can lead to a violent confrontation or worse. Neither one of you should desire to get caught up in such unfortunate event.

Approach the situation peacefully.  Perhaps you can do something that your spouse has always appreciated such as preparing his or her favorite meal or wearing a favorite piece of clothing. Whatever inspires the best in your spouse, allow it to play a significant role in the discussion of the marriage issue.

Convey the message.  Let your spouse know that you are concerned about the lack of intimacy in the relationship.  Refuse to freeze up.  Encourage absolute honesty and transparency. Both of you must come to an understanding that the marriage is in trouble.

Tip: listen carefully to your spouse to read between the lines.  He or she may be attempting to say something that is difficult to express.  However, discuss the situation thoroughly and come to some agreement or compromise. A successful discussion should include a schedule and plan for recovering and nurturing the marriage back to good health, if possible.

What if Your Spouse Confesses an Involvement in an Extramarital Affair?

A commonly held belief is that you should ask for a divorce if you discover your spouse has been unfaithful.  However, such a decision is up to the individual and what he or she can endure. The reality is that leaving a marriage that was once filled with plenty of love and appreciation may be worth salvaging.

Furthermore, if both spouses are equally at fault, then why should you get a divorce, especially if there is an expression of remorse and a willingness to reconcile on the part of the offending spouse.  As a life coach, I have known marriages that have recovered successfully and grew stronger after infidelity.

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No spouse wants to be cheated on, but every marriage has its ups and downs. Usually, neither spouse is completely innocent.  Maintaining a successful marriage isn’t a walk in the park. A great marriage must be earned with selflessness and sacrifice, which is sometimes hard to do, especially in the society we live in today.

Nevertheless, the choice to divorce is up to the offended spouse.  I f he or she finds it difficult to endure the thought that infidelity has occurred, and then a divorce may be the road to take.

Warning:  divorce takes a huge psychological toll on children that will most likely last a lifetime.  Divorce can disturb the financial stability of both couples, and could also lead to severe credit problems if bills are not getting paid. Moreover, divorce could destroy friendships that have taking years to build.

A lack of romance in a marriage robs it of its joy, peace, and growth.  A pattern of non-intimate signs in the relationship must be addressed right away.  Without intimacy a relationship will continue to grow apart, reducing the marriage to the level of unromantic strangers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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