The “Me Only” Marriage Trap and How to Overcome It


Amanda stood long by the window in the red, evening gown, the one that Shawn loved so much. She peered out into the courtyard. It was empty of people. Even the children had gone inside. Another weekend! His plans had already been set. But she had waited a hell of a long time for a weekend in which she and Shawn could spend quality time together.

They had been together for 7 years, but for the last year, as each day passed, it appeared that they were growing further and further apart. The time he spent traveled from city to city seemed like an eternity, especially in the winter time.

Other times Shawn would send her flowers or a beautiful card when he was away for more than a day or two. But even that connective gesture had slowed down tremendously. When at home on the weekend, he spent the majority of his time with friends, going golfing or catching a baseball game on the fly.



Amanda thought of what could have been as she picked up the smartphone from the side table. I guess she would cancel the plans she had made for them: the dinner reservation, the movie, and the hotel suite. She had been trying to avoid it, but she now felt pushed to the sticking point. A major decision had to be made and it wouldn’t be pretty.

A Slow Poison

selfishness in marriage is like a slow dose of poisonous that works its way through the entire body of its victim, draining the last glimmer of hope and trust, until darkness has run its course.

Importance of a Selfless Marriage

A selfless marriage is characterized by sensitivity, attentiveness, commitment, responsibility, romance and constant affirmation. A genuine relationship requires that both partners venture out of themselves for the good of the other. Such attitude will result in great inner fulfillment: the joy of loving and being loved back. Anytime something, whether it is a person or issue, interferes with the selflessness guiding a good marriage, trouble starts to brew.

I know of friends who start with a blissful marriage only to fall into neglect after a few years. This could be for a number of reasons: including career obligations, religious commitments, obsessive hobbies such as sports, addictive behavior including drinking and drugs, or simply the daily grind of trying to make ends meet to pay bills.

However, it is a mistake to allow any of these issues to interrupt the marriage commitment. It can only get worse and it will.
Arguments, depression, and resentment will grow worse if the issue of self-preoccupation is not confronted and dealt with. I have seen everything from fights, drug use and violence resulting from the demon of selfishness.

Rejuvenating Selflessness in Marriage

In order to rejuvenate the selflessness within a marriage, the spirit of self-preoccupation must be confronted. This is done by opening up a communication line to your spouse or partners. A communication line could be in the form of a letter, a phone call or a highly recommended face to face experience, if possible.

The Critical Connection toward Resolution

Once a connection has been established, the offended spouse must identify the situation that is interfering with the peacefulness of the marriage. This is the most crucial stage of the process. All the things that are promoting selfishness within the marriage must be presented and resolutions must be made.

For example, if the problem is career obligations, including too much overtime, or too much focus on making money, then a determination of what is more important( the marriage or making money must be seriously discussed. If the situation is about participating in too many sports and hanging out with friends every weekend, then this issue must be resolved. The secure state of the marriage depends on eliminating the things that interfere with intimacy.

Making the Adjustments for Change

Nothing can be eliminated overnight. Some things may not ever be fully resolved. In a marriage, there must be a compromise. Furthermore, it will take time for both of you to make adjustments to a changing lifestyle. But the challenges within a marriage or relationship, when confronted, produce character and growth, resulting in a deeper level of intimacy.

Self-preoccupation in marriage is responsible for countless breakups and divorce. The thrill leaves and never returns because one or both partners decline the opportunities for working things out. Don’t allow this attitude to destroy your marriage. Confront selfishness and work things out. A strong marriage is the result of many successful battles.

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